107.6 pounds bitches
ALMOST TO MY SECOND GOAL WEIGHT. TWO AND A HALF POUNDS TO GO.
It’s funny because two days ago I was on the bathroom floor crying because I “gained” 2 pounds… then I went to the bathroom the next day and then I lost 2.5 pounds. I’m really pathetic. It’s really hard to keep a good mindset when random weight gain comes along. I seriously need to remind myself that weight fluctuates for so many reasons and it’s most likely not fat gain.
Eating has been okay :) I’ve been eating a lot of nuts lately because they’re so YUMMY.
I think I’ll start posting my daily intake too :) I want to start posting more often and making this blog more personal like it used to be.
To those who think I have an eating disorder
I’ve been getting several asks lately from people who say I have an eating disorder. So I’m going to address this here. They say:
1. I over-exercise.
2. Net 200 calories a day is unhealthy.
3. After bingeing, I restrict.
4. My goal weight is too low.
1. I don’t over-exercise. I’m training for a half marathon. I don’t run 22 km because I think it’ll burn 1000 calories or whatever, I do it because I love being fit! I put in anywhere from 20-30km a week, and that’s perfectly normal for those who are long-distance runners.
2. I do know that net 200 calories a day is unhealthy. With that being said, I admit there were days in the past where I didn’t know better and tried to achieve that. However, it’s happened only once. Now I give the fuel my body needs. I don’t post my normal net intake, which is anywhere from 1200-1400 calories daily.
3. Again, I’ve only restricted once after I binged. (Which was that one post where I ended up with net 200 calories). After binges I resume normal eating/exercise.
4. I’m aiming anywhere from 100-105 pounds, which is still considered healthy under BMI. Most BMI charts are actually for adults and don’t account for age. If you want proof, put in my measurements (Age 16, 5’5”, 100-105 pounds) here. Also, I’m not completely sure if I’m aiming for that low anyway!
I don’t mean this as an attack, I just wanted to clear things up. :) So I’m pretty sure I don’t have an eating disorder.
I beat my plateau!
After plateauing at 110-111 for a month, I finally beat it! It’s actually a strange occurrence of events. Last Monday I binged on like 2000 calories, so on Tuesday I weighed 113.0. On Wednesday I weighed 111.2, and I figured I would level out somewhere between 110 and 111 again. Like expected, I weighed 110.4 on Thursday and Friday. Friday night there was a dance (yay cardio!) but I thought I screwed it up by eating a bunch of cashews and fudge-os after. It wasn’t a binge, but I definitely felt stuffed after. I expected to weigh like 112 the next day, but I was actually down to 109.6! Last night I thought I had too many almonds… but then this morning I weighed myself and now I’m at 108.8 pounds! It’s like I’m FINALLY losing the weight I should have lost a long time ago with my ~500 calorie a day deficit. (I don’t know my actual deficit because I don’t count calories anymore).
I’m not sure what made me overcome my plateau. It’s very odd how I’m losing so much weight after when I thought I had screwed myself over on cashews and almonds. Though nuts are nutritious, they’re high on calories. But they make me lose weight… lol what. Definitely don’t mind because if I’m going to overeat something, nuts are MUCH better than chips or cereal. I’m not a firm believer of “eat more and lose more weight”, but it seems to be the case here. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been losing weight all along and just been carrying on so much water weight from all my binges? And thus proving that binges don’t really screw things up in the long run? Hmm…
What kind of posts do you want to see from me?
Non-weight loss related personal posts? My intake? My exercise? Pictures of me? Doodles? Rants? Anything else? :D Gimme ideaaas.
I’m absolutely disgusted by the hatred people have towards certain body types. Just because a woman weighs 100 pounds and is a size 0 doesn’t make her less of a person than a woman who weighs 200 pounds and is a size 20. The reverse goes as well. I understand that it’s hard to be overweight in a society infatuated with being skinny. However, that’s not an excuse for these people, or anyone, to motivate themselves by tearing another group down. Real empowerment comes from self-respect and acceptance, not from putting another group down. All women are real women, regardless of their size, weight, and body.
EDIT: I do understand that you don’t have to be anatomically female to identify as a woman. I apologize for the graphic suggesting otherwise; I should have chose my words more carefully. I felt that it would be irrelevant to the issue to create a paragraph explaining exceptions of my graphic, especially when the post is about body image, not gender variance. But since there are some people on tumblr who are flat out rude about this (yes, you can still be polite and tell me that I made a mistake), I would like to address this issue. I am not a bigot; I love all women. You all know that the intention of the post was supposed to promote self-acceptance, not cissexism or sexism.
Dear self, this is why you should not binge
1. Your nervous system hates it - I have a fairly consistent sleep pattern of falling asleep at 11:30PM and waking up at 7:30AM. I’m not tired when I wake up and I generally don’t have any trouble falling asleep. Because I binged last night, I couldn’t fall asleep until 3AM. It wasn’t like I was distracted by the computer or anything; my body just refused to fall asleep. I got the WORST motherfucking migraine ever (probably from the sleep deprivation) and yet I tossed and turned in my bed, restless. This morning I woke up at 9AM and I can’t fall back asleep. I’m feeling so lethargic that I’m barely functional, which is why I’m not at school today.
2. Your digestive system hates it - Mmmm bloating. Mmmm indigestion. Mmmm nausea. Mmmm disturbing bowel movements. I have no appetite, I feel like puking, and the thought of food makes me want to curl up and die. Another reason why I’m not at school today.
3. Your weight hates it - Guess who woke up at 113.0 pounds! This girl! Which means tomorrow I’ll weigh around 111, thus resetting my progress I made last week. Sure, binges don’t ruin weeks of progress, but they sure ruin one week of hard work. Seeing as I binge every week or something, this is problematic. Hah. My goal weight is seeming rather impossible to reach at this point.
4. Your mind hates it - Bingeing is self sabotage. It’s mental torture. It’s hard to avoid the feelings of guilt because I still recall how I felt when I binged last night. Since I tell others to recognize why they binged… well for me it was a combination of stress and boredom. I had a lot of homework, but after supper I chose to watch TV (the next great baker was on, so that wasn’t a big help either). That’s what always happens when I binge at home. To work on next time - after supper, GO DO YOUR SHIT, SELF. DON’T PROCRASTINATE.
5. Your skin breaks it - I love breaking out…. -_-
6. Your academics hate it - I’m missing school because I feel ridiculously sick. Intense migraine, nausea, bloating, and lethargy. It’s like I’m suffering from some super flu. Final exams are coming up and this is probably the worst time to miss school.
Okay. That was supposed to be some self analysis/reflection/therapy. I hope writing that out will make me less likely to binge in the future. I never realized how terribly consuming large quantities of unhealthy food really affected my mind and body. I should print out this list and carry it with me everywhere… hmm, that’s actually not a bad idea.
On the bright side now I have a whole day to finish my massive amount of homework? :D Provided, if I can focus. Ahahaha oh god. Goal of rest of January: Do not binge.
I just realized something tonight: I’m addicted to self-sabotage. I’m not talking about cutting or anything like that, but I seem to love deliberately place myself in situations where I’m surrounded by unhealthy, sugary, and fattening food. Take for example, today. At the student council meeting, the teacher was looking for volunteers to help out at a basketball tournament breakfast involving hash browns, orange juice, sausages, and granola bars (the epitome of unhealthy breakfasts). Volunteers were promised free food. Despite consciously thinking, “I’m probably going to eat everything at this event and binge”, I volunteered. I don’t even know why. It wasn’t because I wanted to help out (because being at school at 7AM didn’t appeal to me at all), nor was it because I wanted to be a good student. It was just the offer of free food. Another time today: my friend was saying that she wanted to invite her friends over to try out some new recipe book. Goddamnit, I don’t like cooking unhealthy food, and I sure as hell don’t like eating it. Yet I said I would be there, not because I wanted to socialize, but because I wanted to sabotage myself. There seems to be a battle between two sides of my brain. It’s odd how I love to test my (lack of) self control knowing that I’ll fail. When my friends ask me to hang out, I offer to go to a coffee place. There are SO many other places to hang out that don’t involve indulging in donuts and cookies, yet I don’t suggest them. When I go to a party, I purposefully place myself in front of the chips. When I go to a movie, I suggest to go buy popcorn and chocolate. When I have a party, I tell my friends to bring a plethora of unhealthy food for a potluck. When I make all these poor decisions, I am fully aware of how guilty and shitty I’ll feel afterwards. And I don’t understand why. It’s a main reason why I’ve been having setbacks lately. But there’s some good to identifying a problem, I think. This kind of self-sabotage is unhealthy, irrational, and completely unnecessary. Finally becoming aware of this problem will hopefully lead me to be make better decisions in the future.
I just binged on peanut butter, chocolate chips, and cereal.
I’m forcing myself to write this because I need to be accountable. But the thing is, though I do feel like shit physically, I’m okay emotionally. I haven’t cried about it yet, which is improvement. Tomorrow is a new day and I vow to not starve myself or over-exercise; I know that one day of overeating won’t ruin weeks of progress. My body deserves the best. I’m stronger than my binge. I need to remind myself that it’s perfectly acceptable to be less than perfect.