I just realized something tonight: I’m addicted to self-sabotage. I’m not talking about cutting or anything like that, but I seem to love deliberately place myself in situations where I’m surrounded by unhealthy, sugary, and fattening food. Take for example, today. At the student council meeting, the teacher was looking for volunteers to help out at a basketball tournament breakfast involving hash browns, orange juice, sausages, and granola bars (the epitome of unhealthy breakfasts). Volunteers were promised free food. Despite consciously thinking, “I’m probably going to eat everything at this event and binge”, I volunteered. I don’t even know why. It wasn’t because I wanted to help out (because being at school at 7AM didn’t appeal to me at all), nor was it because I wanted to be a good student. It was just the offer of free food. Another time today: my friend was saying that she wanted to invite her friends over to try out some new recipe book. Goddamnit, I don’t like cooking unhealthy food, and I sure as hell don’t like eating it. Yet I said I would be there, not because I wanted to socialize, but because I wanted to sabotage myself. There seems to be a battle between two sides of my brain. It’s odd how I love to test my (lack of) self control knowing that I’ll fail. When my friends ask me to hang out, I offer to go to a coffee place. There are SO many other places to hang out that don’t involve indulging in donuts and cookies, yet I don’t suggest them. When I go to a party, I purposefully place myself in front of the chips. When I go to a movie, I suggest to go buy popcorn and chocolate. When I have a party, I tell my friends to bring a plethora of unhealthy food for a potluck. When I make all these poor decisions, I am fully aware of how guilty and shitty I’ll feel afterwards. And I don’t understand why. It’s a main reason why I’ve been having setbacks lately. But there’s some good to identifying a problem, I think. This kind of self-sabotage is unhealthy, irrational, and completely unnecessary. Finally becoming aware of this problem will hopefully lead me to be make better decisions in the future.